nkkdff

Sitting here, I drink my morning, ehhh afternoon, coffee.
I'm listening to some ska, and all in all feeling the most content I have in quite sometime.
Even if just for this instant, its a really good feeling. Yesterday was really very excellent;minus the slight problems that were tagging along, and Im positive that the two people who matter most to me still stand in that position. And whats even better than my mood right now is that I get to see james and nicole playing at the chuck tonight. I have a feeling its going to be a more than decent night.

I think, just on a notion, that I will wear my new pencil skirt tonight. I think it seems like the right occasion, and if not I am going to anyways. heh. ;]


I'm aliiiiiveeeeee, baby, I'm alive......

I just realized how weird my school schedule is going to be winter quarter.
After I finish the semester at the high school, I will no longer have classes there.
On mondays, I don't have Watercolor until 1:00, but it lasts until 3:15.
Tuesdays include Philosophy from 10:00-12:15 and Creative Writing from 1:00-3:15.
Wednesday is the same as Monday.
Thursday is the same as Tuesday.
And I won't have school on Fridays :)

I suppose it's not so bad.
The fact that I have to endure a month of full-time college and high school is most definitely going to be hell.

This should be interesting.

iDK why these things are getting so big again,
but I recently reread mine.
THOROUGHLY reread it,
because I usually read mine around friends and don't want to spend too much time on it,
because fear of being conceited and all for focusing on myself.
Some lines just jump at me though..

Your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to..how they fit into your personal value system.
More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills.
They make things happen for people..
..they have the ability to make people do exactly what they want them to.
They get under people's skins and get the reaction they're looking for.
ENFJs are so externally focused that it's hard for them to stay alone..turn to dark thoughts when alone.
ENFJs avoid being alone, joining activities involving other people.
ENFJs tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than any other extroverted types.
The ENFJ may feel quite lonely even when surrounded by people.
People love ENFJs. ENFJs are typically straight-forward and honest.
Usually ENFJs exude a lot of self-confidence, and have a great amount of ability to do many different things.
They are usually good at anything that captures their attention.
They have a tendency to be fussy...
Their uncanny ability to understand people and say just what needs to be said to make them happy makes them naturals for counseling.
They enjoy being the center of attention, and do very well in situations where they can inspire and lead others, such as teaching.
ENFJs have a special gift with people, and are basically happy when they can use that gift to help others.
..and their exceptional intuitive awareness of people makes them able to draw out even the most reserved individuals.
ENFJs have a need for close, intimate relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort in creating these relationships.
They're very loyal and trustworthy once involved in a relationship.
They are also likely to be very manipulative and controlling of others.
ENFJs are charming, gracious, and diverse.

Doesn't that just scream Vince? 

Walnut=Vince

watched the Princess and the frog
which was really good ahhahhaha
worked on some talent show stuff...working out pretty well and I think I may have a nice lil
get together for New years.
^.^

Vince and sarah simultaneously(literally like at the SAME time, you can't plan this kinda thing sorta simultaneously thing):
"Where you don't eat fish? Yeah."
and then we both laughed
xD
good times man good times hahahaha

funny how I know the things that I think aren't right,
but I can't stop the uninvited thoughts from pouring in.
I have put in an unmeasurable amount of effort into it, and attempts are yet again failed.

And what is more hilarious is that with this extended break, I've really
been shown that I mean nothing to people...... rad. The winter holiday season used to be my favorite.
That has very abruptly changed.

I hope tomorrow helps. I hope, I hope.

Marlow
what is it about use that define us?
make us special..
I kinda realized how...jealous of a person I am hahhahaha. like I'm jealous about a possible thought hahaha its kinda funny. Right now....I don't feel anything...I think its good hahahaha. like I'm not sad...or bored or happy.
feel like an empty shell
hm...you know, I kinda wish it was next year already.
I'm moving to seattle (or so is the plan.)
got into the art institute of seattle and I'll transfer afterwards and right now...I feel hungry and tired but emotionally...nothing...hm...

its strange...not having anything to write about, to think about, I walked my dog which was nice and I sat there on a bench facing the lil body of water at lions feild, saw the sun set and....I knew it was beautiful but I felt nothing...I did feel like I was getting kidnapped cuz cars kept stoping in front of me...for some really weird reason lol
they were big vans too with creepy guys in the front seat. but yeah..
I think I constantly want something different, I have when things are the same, especially if I'm not satisfied with the pattern I have going on. I mean at some point I'll come to like it, there was a point in the beginning of the year where I really enjoyed it, even now I kinda do like having the comfort of having a routine but...my motivation to keep going is the new places and new life I'll start...I guess deep down I think that the life I have now...isn't one I'd really wanna continue, like the life style. I guess I feel unsatisfied...not particularly right now cuz...I really feel nothing right now lol.

has anyone felt that? I mean it isn't bad
you just feel nothing...I actually have a blank mind...its really REALLY weird hahahahha xD

A quiet evening is set and stone; not even the sound of a cold breeze can stir the silence. Thought-provoking dialogue was exchanged on the drive home, until the red and blue lights began to flare, followed by the echo of disheartening sirens.
The crash was cold as ever, but not because of the weather. Her screams silenced both music and conversation; echoing past her detained body, through the car, and into my conscious ears.
She screamed with both agony and apology spilled onto her tongue. The entire scene haunts me even now. Though I have no thought as to whom she was, or what really happened, I am affected by her, and her situation. Is this because I care for a complete stranger? Or because her misfortune allows for others to sympathize with her? This is but another question that will remain unanswered. This is but another question that will remain in my conscious until I finally lay myself to sleep. And maybe even longer.

happy christmas



I love elf and Zoey Deschanel
xD
she is right behind Ellen Page when it comes to my favorite actresses
^.^
...didn't really get much this year...I'm grateful but yeah

Christmas at my dads house will be better though, he makes me tofurky and yummy vegetarian stuff
:]
I love my dad
I miss him =/

Started writing in a tangible journal,
the one Sarah got me for my birthday.
It's only about, oh, 5 months later.
I'm really liking it already though.
Sarah really did get an extremely great gift.
I already told her how I'm paying her back though ;).

I've improved a bit lol
xD
quite a bit since then
did the lil mermaid
:3
well....
I think I can't wait for the future
and you know what?
I love the humor in animes then most comedys I've watched lol
xD
I mean i like it better then family guy (well most)
and you know...my goals in life...are REALLY important to me lol
I mean sometimes by now I would think "nah impossible I can't do it" but its been over 5 months now and I still think I can make something outta myself if I really gave it my all, and im okay if I fail as long as I fail trying. better to have tried and failed then to have never tried at all
>:D

aight!
Imma give it my all everyone!
yeah!
postive! stay positive sarah! YEAH!
>xD
damn straight I'm cheering myself on ahhaha
I like my positive attitude I have going on hahaha
btw
my reading glasses came in...I can read better now...I mean its easier to see the words now hahaha. although Im not used to wearing glasses so I get head aches >.<

:]
lets do our best everyone...man i feel so positive hahaha xD
meep

toy story three, nice lil reminisce moment for me...Andy's going to college in it, and when the movie gets out, we'll be prepping to go to college too.

=]
its nice....
just now I had this really really irritated feeling but then...watching the clip made me smile.
Everything good and...I feel different. ahhaha
xD
I feel like maybe...everythings good lol
I'm happy
:]

and right now...
I feel like I should have the ppl I love around me
xD
I feel like giving some love around right now hahaha
=D
hm...I feel happy but sad right now.
oh well
I'm just rambling
sahrry

Ive got the tools.
Ive been given the advice.
Ive seen the most indescribable things.
Ive got the makings, but happiness is still so far gone.
And at the supposed "happiest time of the year", I feel even worse.
No friends. Nothing to look forward to. I haven't even been invited to a single holiday time party.
not one......

constant pressure on my head, and hurt in my heart.
On that bird in the cage, you'll be lucky if you find it still there one day soon.


I have a feeling that these sad times make my being sick infinitely worse.
Again, I can feel the tears. great.....

hm...that person is coming back...weird..

you know I always try to see my life as a story book, although it isn't really. but in this case the one for high school is kinda both my ideal story but then agian it isn't...like one main thing in a story is that some how or in some weird way the story ends where it began or a conflict in the begin shows up at the end.
this effect kinda makes us reflect on what happened through out the book/movie and makes us remember that, just because something is in the past and is long gone doesn't make it necessarily unimportant.
some minor detail can sometimes, make a strong impact on you later in your life and despite the fact you want it to be over and done with...sometimes that isn't the best way.

to want to forget hurtful things is foolish....to want to forget them though is understandable, and thinking ppl who want to are foolish....that is what truly is foolish.

we put our expectations of ourselves in others, thats whats foolish...especially if someone can't even live up to that expectation in themself...so they have to go off and do it to someone they think can't or want to see fail because they want to know that not just anybody can live up to that expectation. makes them feel good I suppose.
but I digress....
back to the point....
which is really nothing but me rambling.
I just realized right now...I'm coming back to things that bothered me in the past...certain things that have appeared in front of me that haven't been there since...freshmen year....its strange...I'm comparing my first year of high school to my last and in comparison...senior year is way beyond better, forgive me if I seem conceited or full of myself but, I've really grown and I'm proud of myself...I'm happy...

and now after having a few days or rather, weeks of any real way of talking to ppl....makes me realize im okay without ppl...but I could only do that for so long....I love the friends who stuck by me though... I used to feel like I really had to try 9th grade with certain people, im sure they didn't want me to feel that way but I did, felt like an outcast in many ways but...
the people I consider close friends now...
well to them I guess, I apologize if I ever took you for granted...you guys really are special and above almost everything I've ever said in any of these entries I have on LJ. That I can say is the most true thing on here.

I mean it
<3

This is the story of Justin McClain. Hopefully no one who reads this is a close friend of his, but even then I really wouldn't care. I'm sure everyone has someone that they always go back to. A sort of on-again, off-again kind of relationship. Justin just happens to be mine. I'll try to tell the whole sordid story, since I've never really told that many people the WHOLE story. I wrote this super tiny since it's so long...I wouldn't want to annoy people :P

We actually met in Freshman Year (though I'm sure he doesn't remember that). I was in ISC and we were doing one of those carwash fundraisers. I was doing the whole 'hold the sign and entice customers in!' thing. and he was the weird stranger who offered me gummy worms out of the blue. (Little did I know that he was Ms. McClain's youngest son :P). I officially met him Sophomore Year when he transferred from Oly to Bremerton High. We were both in Mr. Jones' second period, and since Melissa and Laura talked to him, so did I by default. He actually turned out to be pretty witty and sweet, IF a little stupid (socially) at times. The weird stuff began at Shannon's Birthday Party. He 'came out' (no one's sure if he's straight, bi, gay, or w/e), and Josh Gould said he could tell the whole time. Naturally everyone was surprised that all-American Justin is gay, so we all just chose not to believe him. That is, until I started to talk to him... just me and him. I remember the weird like-triangle that went on (I refuse to say love because no deep feelings were involved). Josh liked him and REALLY liked me, I sorta liked Justin, and no one knew who Justin liked. Sounds like a horrible plotline of some movie huh? I know right. Anyways Justin ended up telling me he liked me, which I STILL didn't believe (hah! I need to be that kind of Vince again), until I forced him to ask me out. I am sad to say that I accepted. (He was one of the sweetest guys I've dated so far though). We went out, did couple-y things, even double dated with someone. (I'll just say that in bed there's no doubt he likes guys in some way). The relationship just...lacked something though. I'm guessing it was a lack of a lot of feelings. Like we liked each other a bit, but the sex was the main thing in the relationship. Screw-feelings-when-there's-passion kinda thing. I ended up breaking up with him because I liked another guy. Well..scratch that, I TRIED breaking up with him when the feelings for the other guy started to develop, but he said that he didn't care. (there's some confidence for you :P) I ended up being around the other guy A LOT though.. even sleeping in the same bed as him. Nothing happened though...except that I kinda sorta found out the other guy liked me? Yeah, 'complication' is the word to describe my life. I broke up with Justin the next time I saw him because I didn't want to become a cheater. Justin just didn't want to hear it though. Justin ended up transferring back to Oly after Junior Year so we just lost contact. As of recent though...Justin decides to start texting me again. He doesn't want a relationship, but the whole friends-with-benefits things works for him. It's kind of a compliment that I could keep him around like that, that'd sexually I'm the one driving him crazy out of everyone, but there's a reason we broke up. "Everyone wants to feel special" though... ever see Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist? Remember how Norah kept going back to Tal (her exboyfriend) because sometimes she just wanted to feel loved? That's exactly how I feel. Those times when I'm feeling all down, then he texts me wanting to talk to me out of everyone else on his contact list. It's sort of a cheering thought. I know that he isn't thinking that when he texts me though.. he's just still chasing the sex I won't give him. I keep him around for those texts though... pathetic huh? :/ This is just why the subject of 'Justin McClain' irritates me, and no one really knows it.

Thank god I have my sort-of Kilian now though :),
Not as trust-worthy since he disappears every now and then,
but definitely here to stay.

I almost fell into the hole last night. I caught myself. I saved myself for the very first time. It was as if the weight had suddenly warped itself into something new. Something that lifted my spirit and took me into a new level of understanding. I began to realize that I can stop myself from having these atrocious mood changes. Believing that you can do something, and actually doing it is entirely beyond words.

I am the one who ultimately affects the way I feel. Because I allow myself to feel.

*Unfinished

"You have to be cold to do this. Anne Boleyn thought only with her heart and she got her head chopped off, so her daughter Elizabeth made a vow to never marry a man, she married her country." Oh Leighton Meester, how I love you. That quote just speaks to me. I don't very well have a country of mine, but I do have other major responsibilities. Time to step it up, I need to stop surrounding myself with failure. Asuncions do better than this, Asuncions don't setttle. That fire in my gut is back, look out world.